Fifty thoughts that everyone has when they get a cold

I had a cold last week, and honestly, if you think that manflu is lame, you should have seen me, wasting away like a delicate Victorian waif with consumption with my Goth ‘flu. Now that I have gotten over myself and realised that I actually only had a bad cold, I have made up my list of fifty thoughts that everyone has when they get one. Or possibly, only people who are as nesh as me.

1. Am I hot? Am I cold? Why can’t I tell the difference? This is ridiculous.
2. Why don’t I have a slave?
3. I definitely don’t want any ginger tea.
4. I haven’t got any ginger tea.
5. I definitely want ginger tea, if I only had some, I’d be cured.
6. I have narrowed down the vector of this cold to one of three people. Which of them should I kill first?
7. Maybe I should text them to see how they’re getting on. It’s a nice thing to do, but more importantly, it might give me an idea of how bad this is going to get.
8. How come you regain the ability to breathe through one nostril when you lie on your side?
9. I have totally lost my appetite.
10. I want a marmite crumpet.
11. I couldn’t stand the thought of food.
12. I want a marmite crumpet.
13. I’m never eating again.
14. God I wish I had the energy to make a marmite crumpet.
15. I bet I look wonderfully pale and waif-like. Goth as fuck, man.
16. Nope, I look like warm boiled shite.
17. I’m hot.
18. I’m cold.
19. My body is cold, my face is hot.
20. I wish the cat was in here.
21. Maybe if I think really hard about the cat, he will psychically pick up on my wishes and come in here.
22. Four hours later: My psychic transmission worked! Also, unrelated, it is around dinnertime.
23. I wish the cat would get off me, he’s so hot and smothering.
24. Have to get up to feed the cat. Why is life so hard why don’t I have a slave.
25. I want a Marmite crumpet but I think I’ll go back to bed for a bit first.
26. I’d like to sit up for a bit, but I think I’ll do a bit more sleeping first.
27. Lemsip is bullshit it doesn’t work at all why is it two hours til I can have another one.
28. What’s the point of the “shoot venom up your nose” decongestants when your nose is so blocked nothing’s getting through there anyway?
29. Why is there no alcohol in cough mixture these days?
30. Fuck those tweakers that mean phenylephephrine sales are restricted. Selfish toothless redneck fucksticks. This is why we can’t have nice things.
31. I wonder how you spell phenylephephrine.
32. It’s probably not like that.
33. MARMITE CRUMPET THOUGH.
34. I wonder if I’ve lost any weight in the 24 hours I have been ill so far. I’m starting to feel rather trim.
35. I’m going to run my common cold symptoms through several Web MD checker tools, see how few steps I can get to “cancer” in.
36. The NHS website symptom tool seems to think I need to go to A&E. Perhaps throwing that ingrown toenail into the mix messed things up somehow?
37. How long have I been dozing for now? It’s definitely been either ten minutes or eight hours.
38. My eyes are all puffy and swollen. I think I’ll soak a clean sock in a bowl of water and put it over my eyes.
39. Why did I just do that? Why not use a washcloth?
40. Why is Lucozade so expensive, when it’s a fecking medicinal essential?
41. When I was a child, could I really levitate, or was I just imagining it?
42. I’m glad I don’t have a fever, if I did I might write that fairy on my curtain off as a hallucination.
43. I wish I had two beds side by side so I could just get out of this wrinkled scrunched up hot one and get into the other one.
44. I dreamed I ate a Marmite crumpet
45. Upon reflection, that fairy probably wasn’t real.
46. OMG why is everything so heavy.
47. Do other people secretly check out the contents of their tissue before scrunching it up?
48. I look like The Crow, and yet I’m not pleased about this.
49. Why didn’t I just wear a face mask when I was out in public? People are all germy mingers.
50. This Marmite crumpet doesn’t taste of anything. FML I DIE.

Lady Gothique

The gal who runs www.gothicangelclothing.co.uk.