I recently came to the conclusion that Marmite is the most Goth foodstuff ever, by a completely un-scientific method of discovery that was largely based on its colour, texture, and how half the world is highly suspicious of it. So naturally my imagination couldn’t leave it there, and with this in mind, I went a-hunting for more Goth food, and also composed my own list of the Gothest foodstuffs ever, for your delectation. Don’t try to eat them all in the same meal…
In my humble opinion, Marmite is as Goth as feck. It is murky, gloopy and dark, smells weird, tastes weirder, and is a good party gift for non-Brits with a sense of adventure. Personally I think Marmite is delicious, but I would also be the first to admit that it’s pretty fecking weird, and how the very first human came to think that this gooey black muck might be a good mate for your sandwich is far beyond my imaginings.
Also, of course, Marmite proudly revels in the fact that half the population find it offensive, with their slogan “you either love it or you hate it.” Totally Goth.
Red velvet cake
Red velvet cake should be disgusting: take a perfectly acceptable, nice cake mixture and dye it an artificial shade of red for no good reason other than to make it look weird. Substitute the words “cake mixture” for “my hair,” and voila, you’ve got my mother’s views on my hair colour.
However, even when you know that red velvet cake is only red because of unnecessary E numbers, it is still undeniably attractive and delicious-looking. It might as well be called Goth cake. Actually, let’s just call it that and have done with it. Want more Goth cakes? Go here.
At first glance, caviar looks kind of awesome… Tiny black gems all glistening away like seed pearls. Then someone points out to you that caviar is actually made of freaking fish eggs, and suddenly that £10 teaspoonful starts looking a little suspicious. Add to this the fact that caviar is costly, glam and rather Gothic, and voila, you have the ultimate party snack for your meet and greet in your fairy-tale castle.
Staying with the egg theme for a minute, I present to you: actual eggs. Pretty much 99% of us eat some kind of egg-based product every day without giving it a second thought, but much like Marmite, eggs fall under my category of “what were they thinking?” It came out of the arse of a chicken, and as if that wasn’t enough, it is actually and legit basically an unborn chick.
“I want to eat the unborn…. Oh ok, I’ll have an egg.” GOTH.