In case you have been living under a rock for the last month or have the natural sense of self-preservation necessary to avoid dark alleys and shady underpasses, this whole phenomenon may have escaped your attention.
So, what the hell? Basically, here’s what’s happened and what we know so far.
Like most weird shit, this began in America, because obvs. Back in August, some lady in SoCal called the police after her kids came home and started talking about a gang (pack? Shoal?) of clowns in the woods near their home, whispering and “making strange noises.” Turns out, this was far from the first or only report of its kind in the area, and due to the added creep factor of clowns, this soon made national news.
Which, in turn, sparked off a whole national wave of clown-related insanity, with people all over the USA calling the police (and I assume, their mental health team) after witnessing freaky-looking clowns standing in odd places, looking odd, and acting oddly.
So far so good. Then, things amped up a notch, and some of these progressively more horrifying looking bandwagon-jumping clowns began standing around just casually swinging machetes, knives and other forms of “nope,” and lo and behold, what began as weird and slightly unnerving became the beginnings of the killer clown apocalypse.
Of course, before you know it, the yoof (and those old enough to know better) of the UK decided that they wanted to get in on the action, and behold, the news is now full of sightings and horror stories of clown-related fuckery all across the UK.
Our home-grown clowns weren’t slow to get in on all of the machete action either, and a friend of mine actually had a clown holding a knife jump out on him on the towpath in Birmingham. Said friend is frankly, the last person that you should pull a stunt like that on, and despatched the clown’s sorry ass forthwith-but even so, we have now reached the point where THIS REALLY IS NOT FUNNY.
I mean, I can appreciate the humour in the whole “clown stands creepily, acting creepily, freaks people out without invading their space” thing, albeit if I was phobic about clowns I may not be as sanguine about it.
But motherfuckers coming at people with weapons is NOT funny no matter how you spin it, and anyone that thinks it is, is a fucking idiot. I get that most of these clowns are in it for shits and giggles and have no intention of hurting anyone (I think) but threatening people is just… NOT FUNNY, I will say it again.
Why is this all happening at all? This is the question! My friend thinks that the first clowns were some kind of guerrilla marketing endeavour for the remake of Stephen King’s IT, and whether or not she’s right remains to be seen-although this is plausible to me.
My opinion? The Juggalos. They’ve finally snapped. We should have seen this coming all along.