I have the weirdest opinion on spiders, and I cannot reconcile my thoughts on them into any semblance of logic or sense. When I was a kid (ok, up until I was around 30) I was pants-shittingly terrified of the little bastards, and would literally pitch a fit if there was one in my home, to the point of moving out of my bedroom or ripping my furniture to shreds in order to remove the imposter. Because nothing says “hardcore Goth” like screaming like a little girl and running for your life from something that is a millionth of your size, right?
However as I have gotten older, my views on them have changed somewhat. I am now absolutely fascinated with tarantulas, and read loads of online articles about them, stare at pictures of them, and make a massive nuisance of myself in the local exotics pet shop, where I have spent many an hour staring nose-to-glass at some of their more impressive specimens.
I have half-convinced myself that I could, in the right situation and given time, allow myself to hold a tarantula, although any time the local store has got one out of a case, I have instinctively backed off as fast as my legs will carry me, so this is only an abstract idea so far.
This Demonia spider web handbag is about as close to voluntarily touching a real spider as I will ever likely get…
However, the big brown evil-looking house spiders that are apt to appear from nowhere and run at you with a battle cry still terrify the everloving shit out of me, to the point of literal panic. The fat, flecky garden spiders that don’t ever seem to go anywhere are ok as long as they are not on me, and I have no problems at all with things like daddy longlegs and Opiliones.
One thing I still maintain though, is that however interesting or impressive-looking I find spiders to be, they are surely the devil’s pure incarnation of evil, both in terms of their appearance and their behaviour.
They eat their mates, they eat their own young, they eat small cute things, and while Stephen King’s “It” did nothing to improve their image, I still don’t think he went quite far enough when it came to expressing what most people think about the thought processes and true propensity for evil that spiders both large and small maintain. Perhaps this is why I find them so fascinating in general; they are basically pure evil, brought to life, and as a dark, twisty Goth, that has to appeal on some level, no? Stripy Tights and Dark Delights agrees.
Oh hells no.
In my opinion, the bat is not the ultimate symbol of Goth; it is the spider. They are dark, creepy, mystical, terrify at least half of the world’s population, and can kill the shit out of you in one bite if you’re unlucky, or live in Australia, and I’m here to spread my love/hate of the spider to my Gothy minions with some of my favourite specimens.
I can’t see myself ever owning a tarantula (but I do have an abstract fantasy of getting myself a nice Goth boyfriend who keeps loads of them in tanks, so that I can stare and stare at them without ever having to have anything to do with them) but for those of you who are less nesh than me, I think they’re certainly worthy of consideration as pets.
So in this blog post, I am going to show you three of my favourite masochistic fantasy tarantulas; if you have one, please lemme know, and if you happen to be a hot post-30 single Goth guy as well as a tarantula owner, feel free to send a pic too. Of the spider, obviously.
Ok no, I totally mean of you.
The greenbottle blue tarantula
They have one of these dudes in the aforementioned local exotics pet store, and shit me if this spider is not the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Plus, if you put a blue light in the lid of the tank, their blue points glow.
The orange baboon tarantula
The orange baboon tarantula is pretty rare as a pet, and for good reason; they are as aggressive as a drunk Britain First member during Ramadan, and are colloquially known in the trade as the “orange bitey thing.” They inflict a really nasty bite, and are generally total shitbags, even compared to other tarantulas. Also, “orange bitey thing” has to be just about the best online handle/forum name anyone could hope to own, in my opinion.
The cobalt blue tarantula
You cannot look at this picture and tell me that it’s not amazingly beautiful, and I don’t even care if you break out in a cold sweat while you agree with me. This tarantula is also lauded as one of the most aggressive tarantula species on earth, and as one of the rarest too, you can kinda see why.
Dark beauty, a “fuck you” attitude, and not many of them around? How is this not Goth.